View Full Version : FootBall Jokes.
Just thought ppl and my self could anything that is funny and football related, it could be anything, Jokes, quotes, Pics but 1 thing should be remembered that it has to be funny.
:p286:
A Spurs fan and an Arsenal fan get into a car accident, and it's a bad one.
Both cars (with football stickers on windows) are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the Spurs fan says, "So you're an Arsenal fan, that's interesting. I'm a Spurs fan... Wow! Just look at our cars, there's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The Arsenal fan replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"
The Spurs fan continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the Arsenal fan. The Arsenal fan nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the Spurs fan.
The Spurs fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Arsenal fan.
The Arsenal fan asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The Spurs fan replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."
:sun:
The first day David and Victoria entered America they got hijacked.
The hijacker is riding the car and puts the Beckhams at the back.
A while after that he takes his gun out and asks, "Hey woman, what's your name?" Victoria she replied. He said, "I'm not gonna kill you, you have the same name as my mother", and he asked again, "Hey Bro, what's your name?" and Beckham said, "My name is David but my friends call me Victoria..."
:sagrin:
Luis Figo: "I have made an irrevocable decision: I will not be a Real Madrid player whoever wins the elections. If any of the fans have felt upset or disappointed about what has happened, I would like them to forgive me, but they should only believe what I say. I am sure that the whole affair will be just an anecdote in the career of Luis Figo as a Barcelona player."
:sagrin:
Gianluca Vialli: "The only way to stop him (Thierry Henry) is with a gun!"
;)
John Motson: "For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip!"
:bright:
Paul Gascoigne: "I no longer drink. At most I will have a glass of wine. I want to play until I am 38 and I think Everton can win the title."
this one is too funny,,,
:w186:
Bryan Robson: "If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistant!"
;)
What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh Spice?
Posh spice doesn't kick back when taken from behind.
Rafa: 'Fergie sent me strange message'
Wednesday June 15 2005
Rafael Benitez has revealed that he received a ``tactical evaluation'' of his Liverpool side's route to European glory by Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson.
The Spaniard led the Reds to Champions League success with a victory over AC Milan on penalties last month, matching the achievement of Ferguson in 1999.
He received congratulatory messages from colleagues around the world but seemed slightly bemused by the Scot's own contribution to the plaudits.
``I received congratulations from people all over England and Spain,'' Benitez told Spanish newspaper Marca.
``Ferguson sent me a very strange one with a tactical evaluation - on his personalised paper - of Liverpool's performance in the whole competition, and particularly the final.''
From Sir Alex To Rafa With Love...
Rafa Benitez may not be revealing the contents of Sir Alex's 'congratulatory' letter but fortunately F365 has been able to obtain a copy. When he says 'congratulations' he really, really means it..
Dear Rafa...
Thursday June 16 2005
Rafa Benitez may not be revealing the contents of Sir Alex's 'congratulatory' letter but fortunately F365 has been able to obtain a copy...
Dear Rafa,
Well done you jammy bloody b***ard.
No, really I mean that. Really, really well done. I'd say 'congratulations' but it's too difficult to make myself understood through gritted teeth. Come to think of it, it's just too difficult to make myself understood.
No, really well done. Or at least Milan were.
Let me just say that one more time in case you don't believe me - well done you lucky thieving b***ards.
There was nothing I wanted more than to see you cheat, sorry Rafa of course I mean 'beat' AC Milan. I had a drink straight after the final whistle and, to be honest, I haven't stopped drinking since...
I think that sums up exactly how I feel about your 'victory'.
(Sorry, by the way, about the red wine stain).
Anyway, Rafa, because I'm a knight of the realm and because I have half a bottle to finish before Cathy wants me in bed, I thought I'd treat you to my tactical analysis of each of your Champions League matches...
15-Sep-04 H Monaco W 2-0
Verdict: Youse were lucky.
28-Sep-04 A Olympiakos L 0-1
Verdict: A fair result.
19-Oct-04 H Deportivo D 0-0
Verdict. More than youse deserved. Lucky.
03-Nov-04 A Deportivo W 1-0
Verdict: Youse only won with an own goal so that doesnae count.
23-Nov-04 A Monaco L 0-1
Verdict: Result reflected the play. Except youse were lucky to get nil.
08-Dec-04 H Olympiakos W 3-1
Verdict: Youse lucky b***ards. That Gerrard goal was a mis-hit (he's rubbish, BTW, but I'll take him off your hands because I like you).
22-Feb-05 H Bayer Leverkusen W 3-1
Verdict: Youse were lucky there.
09-Mar-05 A Bayer Leverkusen W 3-1
Verdict: Youse were very lucky there.
05-Apr-05 H Juventus W 2-1
Verdict: Youse lost the second half 1-0. Lucky.
13-Apr-05 A Juventus D 0-0
Verdict: Who are Juventus anyway? I've never heard of them. Who have they
ever played?
27-Apr-05 A Chelsea D 0-0
Verdict: We would have beaten them.
03-May-05 H Chelsea W 1-0 (1-0)
Verdict: Youse were lucky. That Luis Garcia 'goal' was like the one at OT from that Mendes chap - not over the line.
My memory of the final is a wee bit blurry but I do know that youse were lucky.
You'd never see the great Manchester United winning a Champions League final after being outplayed by the opposition and making a sneaky comeback.
But you're only Liverpool, so I suppose youse have different standards to us. Did I mention that we've won the Premiership eight times? And with the referees conspiring against us (not like youse lot - when was the last time anyone got a penalty at Anfield?).
I also noticed that all your goals came from set-pieces. The only one that didn't was a mis-hit. So that doesnae count.
There's no way my Manchester United would win a Champions League final in such an undignified manner against superior opposition. No way at all.
I also liked your canny trick of starting with Harry Kewell. Aye, clever that. He's not your player so you thought you'd demonstrate on the biggest stage of all what a complete waste of money he was. Youse a f***ing genius, Rafa.
I bet Gerard Houllier feels stupid for signing him now. I said as much at the time.
I hope I've been some help - and remember, I'll take that boy Gerrard off your hands in exchange for Kleberson. He's a World Cup winner, you know...
Sir Alex Ferguson (you can call me Sir Alex)
Dr Milano
18-06-2005, 08:17
Rafa: 'Fergie sent me strange message'
Wednesday June 15 2005
Rafael Benitez has revealed that he received a ``tactical evaluation'' of his Liverpool side's route to European glory by Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson.
The Spaniard led the Reds to Champions League success with a victory over AC Milan on penalties last month, matching the achievement of Ferguson in 1999.
He received congratulatory messages from colleagues around the world but seemed slightly bemused by the Scot's own contribution to the plaudits.
``I received congratulations from people all over England and Spain,'' Benitez told Spanish newspaper Marca.
``Ferguson sent me a very strange one with a tactical evaluation - on his personalised paper - of Liverpool's performance in the whole competition, and particularly the final.''
From Sir Alex To Rafa With Love...
Rafa Benitez may not be revealing the contents of Sir Alex's 'congratulatory' letter but fortunately F365 has been able to obtain a copy. When he says 'congratulations' he really, really means it..
Dear Rafa...
Thursday June 16 2005
Rafa Benitez may not be revealing the contents of Sir Alex's 'congratulatory' letter but fortunately F365 has been able to obtain a copy...
Dear Rafa,
Well done you jammy bloody b***ard.
No, really I mean that. Really, really well done. I'd say 'congratulations' but it's too difficult to make myself understood through gritted teeth. Come to think of it, it's just too difficult to make myself understood.
No, really well done. Or at least Milan were.
Let me just say that one more time in case you don't believe me - well done you lucky thieving b***ards.
There was nothing I wanted more than to see you cheat, sorry Rafa of course I mean 'beat' AC Milan. I had a drink straight after the final whistle and, to be honest, I haven't stopped drinking since...
I think that sums up exactly how I feel about your 'victory'.
(Sorry, by the way, about the red wine stain).
Anyway, Rafa, because I'm a knight of the realm and because I have half a bottle to finish before Cathy wants me in bed, I thought I'd treat you to my tactical analysis of each of your Champions League matches...
15-Sep-04 H Monaco W 2-0
Verdict: Youse were lucky.
28-Sep-04 A Olympiakos L 0-1
Verdict: A fair result.
19-Oct-04 H Deportivo D 0-0
Verdict. More than youse deserved. Lucky.
03-Nov-04 A Deportivo W 1-0
Verdict: Youse only won with an own goal so that doesnae count.
23-Nov-04 A Monaco L 0-1
Verdict: Result reflected the play. Except youse were lucky to get nil.
08-Dec-04 H Olympiakos W 3-1
Verdict: Youse lucky b***ards. That Gerrard goal was a mis-hit (he's rubbish, BTW, but I'll take him off your hands because I like you).
22-Feb-05 H Bayer Leverkusen W 3-1
Verdict: Youse were lucky there.
09-Mar-05 A Bayer Leverkusen W 3-1
Verdict: Youse were very lucky there.
05-Apr-05 H Juventus W 2-1
Verdict: Youse lost the second half 1-0. Lucky.
13-Apr-05 A Juventus D 0-0
Verdict: Who are Juventus anyway? I've never heard of them. Who have they
ever played?
27-Apr-05 A Chelsea D 0-0
Verdict: We would have beaten them.
03-May-05 H Chelsea W 1-0 (1-0)
Verdict: Youse were lucky. That Luis Garcia 'goal' was like the one at OT from that Mendes chap - not over the line.
My memory of the final is a wee bit blurry but I do know that youse were lucky.
You'd never see the great Manchester United winning a Champions League final after being outplayed by the opposition and making a sneaky comeback.
But you're only Liverpool, so I suppose youse have different standards to us. Did I mention that we've won the Premiership eight times? And with the referees conspiring against us (not like youse lot - when was the last time anyone got a penalty at Anfield?).
I also noticed that all your goals came from set-pieces. The only one that didn't was a mis-hit. So that doesnae count.
There's no way my Manchester United would win a Champions League final in such an undignified manner against superior opposition. No way at all.
I also liked your canny trick of starting with Harry Kewell. Aye, clever that. He's not your player so you thought you'd demonstrate on the biggest stage of all what a complete waste of money he was. Youse a f***ing genius, Rafa.
I bet Gerard Houllier feels stupid for signing him now. I said as much at the time.
I hope I've been some help - and remember, I'll take that boy Gerrard off your hands in exchange for Kleberson. He's a World Cup winner, you know...
Sir Alex Ferguson (you can call me Sir Alex)kleberson for gerrard lol kleberson might be world cup winner but what did he do for them brazil :w155: :p017:
Two boys were playing football in a park in Manchester. Out of nowhere a mad dog came and attacked one of them. Instinctively, the other lad found something, a loose panel in a fence and hit the dog hard round the head. It slumped to the ground.
At the same time a journalist was walking past the scene, he rushed up to the boys and said, "Wow, that was amazing, I sure could use that story for tommorows paper!"
"I can see it now", he said as he scribbled on a piece of paper, he held it up and it showed, "Man Utd Fan saves friend from Mad Dog!", one boy replies that he is not a Manchester United fan. The journalist is slightly shocked but then scribbles out, "Man Utd" and put "Man City", the other boy replies, "No, we dont support Manchester City either, Sir!". The journalist is shocked now and so asked, "Who do you support then?!", they reply, "Liverpool Sir!". The man once again take his pen out, but this time starts a new page and writes, "Scouse B***ard kills Family Pet"!!!
A man goes into an antique shop in the city of London and spots this statue of a cat. He asks the owner "How much for the cat?"
"£100" he replies.
"Sold" says the man, pays his money and walks out the shop with the cat.
As he walks down the street he notices a cat that was hanging around outside the shop starts following him but thinks nothing of it. As he passes an alley a few doors down two more cats come out and begin to follow. By the time he's reached the corner there is a pack of 10 cats on his tail and he is getting a little nervous, so he starts running.
As he runs down the hill more and more cats join the chase and at this point he is running for his life when he notices the Thames is at the end of the street. He runs up to the barrier by the side of river and leaps up grabbing hold of a lamp post. The pack of cats leaps up and all go flying into the river where they all drown.
Out of breath and in shock the man clambers down from the lamppost and makes his way back to the shop in a daze. The shopkeeper looks at him knowingly and says, "I suppose you want your money back?"
To which he replies, "No, but how much for that statue of the Arsenal fan in the corner?"
A Inter fan drove his car alongside the road and showed his friend where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly in love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love for hours," explained the Leeds fan.
"That sounds amazing," exclaimed his mate.
"Yep, it was going real well until I looked up and saw her mother standing right there watching us..."
"Damn, what did her mother say?"
"Baaaaa..."
:5roma:
Martin Palermo (1998/99 top scorer in argentinian league, 3 argentianian leagues, 1 libertadores and 1 intrcontinental cup champion with Boca Juniors, former player of Villarreal, Alaves and Betis in Spain)once on vacation in Brazil ( i realy dont remember if it was at Rio or where), went a day to the beach and got invited to play a football match by some guys that were thare at that time as we all know brazilians are used to play football at their beaches. Martin had just been signed by Boca, and thaught of this as an oportunity to relax and make some tricks, play some nice football, show aspects of his talent he wouldnt do on a proffessional match.
After the match ended, he stayed talking with thes brazilian guys, and then one of them says: ''so tell me, what do you do for living?''
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